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When God Saved Me!
I thought that I was saved when I was five years old. I went to church all my childhood and teen years and even stood up for God in my Senior high school. I was voted as the most Christian classmate among my peers due to the fact that I went to church and didn’t, curse, drink, smoke anything, or have sex (still a virgin), I didn’t listen to rock music (only Christian music for me). I was a goody two shoes. So how is it that I wasn’t “really” saved??
Well when I was five I started pretending that I was not the person that God had created me to be. I was not happy with the way that He made me. I felt that I could do better – I guess. This all seemed simple enough, child’s play in fact. Well the problem is, is that, this continued well into my thirties.
When I was sixteen years old I was fasting and praying and I was really seeking after God. I felt God calling me and He asked for my life, my “whole” life. I immediately told God “yes” “oh, definitely, yes” I said. With one catch, I wanted to hold onto that pretending thing. By this time, this was my habit, stupid as it is; this was my way of dealing with stress. My crutch when things were not the way that I felt they should be. It was my own way of being the creator. Pretend that I am not who I really am and not in the life that I really have, this was my motto, so to speak. Instead of relying on God and going to God about things I would pretend that I and they were not real – kind of like T.V. I didn’t want to give this sin up. “How can I ever live without this crutch” I thought. What will fill its place? Then I thought I am probably doing what’s best. Because the thing that fills its place is probably worse then what I am currently doing. So I am actually better off. So I told God Almighty “yes, you can have my whole heart, with the exception of this certain habit sin, you can’t have that – I am not done with that yet, but you can have everything else”. I would live to truly regret those words for years to come.
The years that followed this “one-sided agreement” that I made with God were blessed but difficult. I was trying to live the “Christian” life but not truly repented! This made life as a Christian very hypocritical for me. I felt that I was truly living a double life. Like an undercover Christian. What I didn’t want to realize or admit is that I was NOT serving God but Satan because if you have not repented of your sins then you are not truly serving God but you are in fact serving Satan himself. But I was a good person certainly God would not send me to hell. I tried to do a lot of things for Him and His name and His cause. Keep in mind that it only took the sin of disobedience for God to send Adam and Eve out of His presence in the garden. God will not be mocked and He will NOT have sin enter into His kingdom. It would not be Heaven then it would in fact turn Heaven into Hell – He will NOT permit it! I was fooled into believing that my soul was my own, as if I had created it or something. I thought I could do what I wanted with it. Then the spirit of God made me realize that I am not the creator of anything and that God in fact created “MY” soul and that He can do as He pleases with the things in which He has created and if He sees that this soul has decided to love sin more than Him then He will surely send His created soul to hell. This helped me to realize that “MY” soul was in fact NEVER “mine” but in fact God’s all along – to do with as He pleases. And He made me (this soul) EXACTLY the way He wanted to make this soul. I need to be grateful for ALL of His creation including “my” soul. I need to make sure that this soul repents of its sins and serves its creator. Then a couple of fears came over me – one, was how can I live without this in my life and the other was of God who has the ability to send this soul to hell! I then was reminded by the Holy Spirit of God that “with God ALL things are possible – to them that believe”. It then became clear to me that I only need to trust Jesus that he can deliver me and cleanse me and keep me and that with God it IS possible to live without sin because He already won this battle through the sacrifice and blood of Jesus on Calvary(our sins are covered under the righteous blood of Jesus - we have Jesus' righteoousness NOT our own)! Trust in Jesus that your sins are forgiven and go and sin no more.
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