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I never knew it would be so WONDERFUL!
I grew up in a Christian home. I think that my parents were relatively new Christians, and they themselves were learning about Christ. I remember knowing that I loved God, but I was confused too. I never knew that it was ok to have doubts, and to question things. I didn't know that other people felt the same way.
As I became a teenager, I began to rebell. I started smoking cigarettes, drinking, swearing, getting into trouble, changing friends. And I remember one summer, a revival coming to my home town (a tiny village of 400). There was nothing else to do, so my friends and I went. I was touched by God at this revival. I remember being prayed over, and I remember falling to the floor, and then I remember being helped up, I don't know how much later. I was crying, I had been crying for a long time, and I remember feeling so clean. I remember feeling new. If that makes any sense. And for a couple of weeks, I was so close to God. I had truly felt Him, He had held me on that floor, and He had made me feel good again.
But once again, I gave into temptation. I started smoking again, I did not disconnect from the new friends that were not good for me. I began drinking, smoking pot, doing other kinds of drugs, and being sexually permiscuous. Everyone I hung around was the same way, so I thought it was normal. I seemed to have forgotten the way God had touched and healed me at that revival. This behavior went on for many years, through highschool, graduation, and after graduation. I was so lost, and I was so angry at God.
When I was 23, I got pregnant with my daughter. I moved in with my boyfriend (now my fiance), and began trying to live, and raise a baby. I had quit doing drugs, and smoking, but I still drank from time to time, and realized that I could not be a social drinker, I usually would drink until I was sick for days. My relationship with my boyfriend was horrible, there was no trust, and no connection. I was not a very good mother to my daughter, because I wanted so desperately to go back to old ways, I knew who I was when I was the party girl. I did not know this new person.
I started to feel a pull at my heart. I needed to relight my beliefs, I had to attend church again, and teach myself and my daughter how to love Jesus again. But I was scared, I did not know anyone in the new town we lived in, and I was afraid of being a Christian, because people would see that change in me, and make fun of me. But I listened, and I began attending church again. I hid it from people for a time, but my passion for Christ had been relit, and after awhile, I could not hide it. I began taking part more, and more in church activities, I began attending EVERY Sunday, no matter what, I started Bible study, and joined my church group (Thursday nights), and now, my friends and I sing in church for special occaisions.
I have asked Jesus back into my life. Man, it has been so HARD!! I have been through doubts, unfaithfulness, depression, guilt,anxiety, all the horrible emotions, I have been there. But everytime I stop being stubborn, and leave it to God, things get better. I am learning to pray, I am learning to lean on Christ, I am learning to find strength in Him, because mine is never enough. It is exciting, I have never been so in love.
My relationships are better. I am so in love with my fiance, we are getting married in February 2009. I will be a better wife because of my relationship with Christ. I am a better mother. I have 2 children now, and I am tuned in. I have accepted "Holly the Christian" as who I am, instead of "Holly the party girl". I am tuned in to my children, I am learning patience with them, and I am teaching them about Christ. I am attending college and working toward becoming a RMT. Everything is finally starting to take root, God is turning my whole life around. My life now revolves around God, and His glory, instead of my wants and need, and feelings. For the first time, I am free, and I am happy!! And it is not easy, but it is for Him, and that is the wonderful part. I can live for Him!!
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