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Testimonies
Read how a personal relationship with Jesus Christ has changed 1M4JC members' lives.
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The Lord Turns Our Ashes to Beauty
Vanessa’s Testimony
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Hello, My name is Vanessa, and I’m a grateful believer in our Lord Jesus Christ, who struggled with addictions. For most of my life I was what most people would consider someone who had it going on. In school, I had friends, I was a cheerleader for a number of years from grade school to high school, my grades were always 3.5 to 4.0 I never thought of myself as being “popular” but most of my classmates would say I was. I hung out with just a few close friends and I always thought we’d be friends for life ,I was the 5th child born out of 8 to an alcoholic father and an alcoholic mother. I started work at a young age, first it was babysitting, then it was working at the corner gas station/market, then the fast food joint another block away, to finally Safeway. During my junior and Senior years I worked a great deal of hours at the local Safeway store, all my paychecks went to buying groceries for the family, or to pay for my brothers’ and my senior activities, announcements, Pictures, etc. I believe this was my first experience and my first knowledge of what it is to feel the resentments form. I was a very sick person even back then. It was during this time that I believe the seed of resentments was planted. Not only did I pay for my own things since the 8th grade I paid for my brothers things our senior year. I did the housework, on Mondays I didn’t go to school, I stayed home and cleaned the house, I did the laundry, and I did the cooking. My little brothers and sister did try to help, however the older ones usually skipped out of their chores or was never home to do them.
Can you see the resentments building? I didn’t see it back then, I just wanted my mother to be happy, but no matter what she would always find fault and I could never please her.
After my mother married her 2nd husband, one by one the family departed. He was an evil man. He was mean and nasty, and he sexually abused me. I told my mother but she believed him and I moved out 3 days after graduation. I worked my way up the ladder at Safeway, then I worked for a number of years for a local Savings and Loan, finally I worked my way up to Records manager for our local power company. I was known as a hard working, thoughtful, and caring customer service rep and co-worker.
I married a man I met at Safeway, not because I loved him, but rather because he was older, and sadly I thought I could learn to love him and that my love would change him. Little did I know that it would be He that changed me.
It was on our wedding day when he first introduced drugs to me. No matter how much I fought, how much I cried, he wanted me to try this white power. Between my maid of honor and my future husband I felt I had no choice. And on that day I was no longer a good little catholic girl, but rather a sad and lonely woman who for the next 2 years lived in an addiction world. I found I didn’t care about anything except making sure I had enough money to buy the coke I needed just to get to work. That all ended when I found that I was pregnant I stopped using coke and all prescription drugs. I didn’t know of CA or NA back then and I stayed clean for 20 years. I look back at those times and I realize I may have not done drugs but I was the most compulsive person on earth. I became a workaholic, a compulsive spender, a perfectionist housekeeper and wife. I was in relapse mode for all those years.
When my son was born with all his complications, I told the Dr about my drug use and that I didn’t do any more once I realized I was pregnant. I was told it wasn’t my fault but for 25 years I have held on to the guilt allowing it fester within me. You see my son was born without a kidney, he had a cyst after 5 surgeries on the kidneys and 1 cranial surgery my baby had died 2 times during surgeries, and one time on his way out of surgery. He was given life not by me, but by God who wanted my son to live a life that would glorify Him. As my son grew it became apparent that there was something wrong. After seeing several Doctors at COHMC he was diagnosed with autism and that his IQ was 50. Drs said the best thing for him would be placing him in an institution. I couldn’t do that, my son deserved a mother who loved him unconditionally and I was determined I would be the only person alive that would love him, and would be his best advocate. I am proud to say I’ve kept my word. As a young child I had him mainstreamed into the other classes, I interviewed, observed, and weighed the options out. I even moved from school district to school district hoping for the assistance.
I played the perfect little mom, I played the perfect victim too. In my heart I was this idea mother who devoted every bit of energy to her sick son, but in reality… I didn’t even come close to be the mother to my son that I know he deserved. How could I when I was using every ounce of energy after working 40 hr plus a week and hiding the fact that my husband was still using coke. I already blamed myself for my son’s disability. However the drs kept telling me no it’s just a fluke. Some of my family was supportive,. Others had not even spent 5 minutes with my son. My younger brothers and little sister were always loving and supportive with Justin. One older sister has never not been there for me or for my children. She was there during both births, and she’ll be there for them until she passes on. This sister also knew what I was hiding, or at least trying to hide from the rest of the family. She also knew that I was hiding a secret of my own. My marriage was falling apart. My husband thought life was wonderful, I however, was sad, lonely, and very negative. I had lot who I was, I had nothing to smile about, my life was torture. I tried to go home, but my mothers husband was always touching me inappropriately, saying disgusting things regarding sex and I was so tired of telling my mom and having her believe that ugly drunk. Then I found myself pregnant again. I quit smoking, exercised, ate healthy, and my Dr. watched the pregnancy carefully. I gave birth to a normal healthy little girl. When she was just 18 months old I had enough of the lies and deceit and I left my husband.
For the next year I worked hard, and came home. I dated abusive men, and exposed my children to that style of living. Then I had a nervous break down and tried to take my own life. I would spend the next 30 days in a hospital. I continued to raise my children when I was released but life would be different. We got involved in a church and I thought my life was finally becoming a success. Then I let my x husband move back in with us. And within a few months, my compulsive addictions were back and in full bloom. I still didn’t use any drugs but the compulsiveness would take it’s toll on me, it affected my work, my energy, and my relationships. My mother who I spent my entire life trying to please and never could needed my help. I hated to have to go and help her out because of my fear of her husband. A few years prior to my mother’s illness her husband tried to force himself on me and My daughter was witness to his forceful sexual attempts and I pressed charges. It was the hardest thing to go through when I wanted so badly to see my mother but couldn’t because she believed him. He swore to everyone it never happened EVER. Mom and I rebuilt our relationship but it would never be what I wanted it to be like. So when they called and asked me to come over and clean and cook each night while she recovered from the strokes I was afraid and yet I went over to help every day. I would call in sick so I could be with her and after awhile the new supervisor forced me to resign. After 15 years and only a little of a week after my mothers funeral.. I found myself in total darkness, I didn’t know where to go, or what to do. Then an old friend from high school got in touch with me when she realized my daughter and her daughter were close friends. My friend who introduced me to ocycodene. For the next year I was always high. I compulsively spent my entire retirement not just on drugs, but on all brand new furniture for my new place. I bought a car, and one by one I lost them all…………My children and I were homeless. We moved in with my best friend. But my addiction followed me, finally the unemployment ran out, my x didn’t have any money and I was paying his rent, and for all his meds until the day I found him dead. It was then that I really went off the deep end. A line of coke sitting there on the mirror behind him, I snorted it, and 20 yrs away from that drug and I was right back where I started. I stole from my best friend and I stole from my children. one night when I was high I was out walking and it started to pour down rain. The neighbor asked me in to warm up and have drink. The next thing I knew I was naked and in a sewer ditch. He had raped me. I reported the rape to my boyfriend, my best friend, and the police. But when they found coke on me my family and friends no longer believed that I was raped but rather that it was consensual sex.. The guy got away with it and all the police would say to me was…. You were hi on cocaine how can you be sure it wasn’t consensual. I called my sister and she got me into a rehab center. I had a good support system, and my boyfriend was really supportive. He even went to my meetings with me for a 18 months but his support had a bitter streak and soon the relationship would become ugly. He was never home and we never did anything together, he was jealous of my meetings, and my recovery friends. I started to miss meetings, and I took on a sponsee. And to my amazement she was using, I wasn’t but I had all the signs of relapse mode, I wasn’t sleeping well, wasn’t eating, I was compulsive, and always at my daughters throat because of this or that. She saw the signs and she warned me, I didn’t listen… She finally gave up on me and moved out. It was then that I went out and relapsed. I stayed hi for the next year. Loosing everything, I even took a job on line for an orphanage for the disabled kids in England only to be arrested for fraud. Never in my life would I ever believe that I would be a felon. I had lost everything, my job as my son’s personal provider, my home, my boyfriend, and most importantly the love and respect from my children. I was staying away from the drugs and I had a few days clean, I drove into town and saw a guy I would take to his chemo treatments so I pulled over to give him a lift home, he got angry when I wouldn’t take him to a dealers house for drugs. He beat me, pulled chunks of my hair out, fractured 5 ribs on one side and broke 3 on the other side, he kicked me with both feet right out the door of the truck. He had my cell phone, my purse, my money,
In one second I was in the depths of darkness, lost, I thought he was going to kill me, and I didn’t want to die with the past 2 yrs as the last thing my children would remember me by I crawled to 7-11 and they called the police. During this last relapse I did things in my active addiction that I would of never done. The friends I hung out with were lost souls as well. I allowed drug dealers into my home, I fed them, I let them shower, sleep, and I washed their clothes etc. etc. I was so into my addiction I didn't even notice the things that were being stolen from me and from my children. I had gone from a hard working, good student, cheerleader, respected friend and co-worker to a pathetic old lady with nothing left in this world. In what seemed like an instant I had lost it all. I ended up losing my job, my home, my children. I lost the rights as my son's provider, he moved in with my older sister who cared for him who has always been my greatest support system. I was heading for court the next day with my sister half carrying me up the steps, and what I did next I still do not know where the strength or power came from to do it. But, I stood in front of the judge and said Your honor, I have a drug problem, and I need help desperately, I have already made the calls and we are just waiting for the confirmation that a bed is available for me, I am going into a long term drug rehab center. He allowed me to go home. That was January 22nd 2008. My clean date. Even though my daughter was embarrassed of me, she could not look me in the eye and when she did there was nothing but hatred, pure loathing and shame, she and my best friend took me to DAPC. As she walked me to the doors of DAPC I felt so low, as if I was scum scrapped off the bottom of her shoes, I was not worthy of breathing the same air as this child and It tore my heart out to see such hatred in my daughters eyes. It was truly a rock bottom moment, and one that I have not forgotten.
For the next 6 months I had no contact with her other then an occasionally phone call from me to her, and of course the daily letters I wrote, to both my kids she wrote me finally one letter but she never came to visit. My sister would bring my son a couple of times to visit but it was so hard on him. When I completed both inpatient and outpatient rehab I made the choice of not going back where I came from. I went to court and the judge was happy to see the old me back. I told him of the treats to my childrens lives by the drug dealers I was buying from, rather then spill my guts, I want to leave Grays Harbor, and never come back. If I do this, the Drug Task Force has promised me they will keep an eye on my children. They would make sure my babies were safe. I knew Justin would be but I was so frightened for Alyssa. And then how would she handle cops hanging around her all the time. The judge granted my request told the prosecuting attorney he believed 6 months in patient treatment on her own doing was good enough for him. However the attorney wanted to use me as an example. Charges stayed but I wouldn’t have to go into a facility. However because I was now a felon I could not leave the state, so I was homeless for the first time in my life. I look back now and I know it was exactly where I needed to be. I was humbled by the experience. Walking the streets with my suitcase from shelter to shelter and remembering where I had come from, where I went, and where I was as a result of it all. From someone who people thought "had it all" to being without a place to lay my head at night was truly humbling. I got on my knees and I begged God for his help. I cried out to our Lord to take my life, my will and I totally surrendered. I laid everything down at the cross and I found freedom for the first time in my life.
Now that was 2 years ago, and God has done such wondrous things in my life. I have a home, a job, I have healing in my life that has been so precious. Healing in my relationships with my brothers and sisters, with my children, but most of all healing in my relationship with God. I am still a single mother, and that's ok with me. As the scriptures tell us - Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" psalm 3:4. I know He will do exactly that. In fact, He has done that as the desires of my heart for a long time have been healing in my relationships with my children, and now my daughter and I are closer then we have ever been, my son now lives with me again. I am a leader for a Christian based recovery group for the church I belong to, I do volunteer work. I am active and hold 2 service positions (District 4 Rep and State Secretary for Vancouver/Portland Area CA, and I share my experience, my strength, my hope, my faith, and my courage with others, praying that they will find their hope in Christ as I have.
I still have trouble with relationships, people do not understand that my recovery is not just a “phase” in my life, that “when I am done I’ll be fixed”. I want to express to all those who are in relationships “recovery is not our destination” - It’s our life. We have to express our fears, our feelings, our emotions and our hurts. If we choose to blow them off, or stuff them down we are placing ourselves in relapse area. Life is too short but if we who are living a life of recovery do not take one step at a time, one day at a time we put our lives in a position we do not want to go and we will make our lives even shorter. Quilt, shame, and fear are no longer my means of motivation. I do not say what I don’t mean, I don’t do things just to please someone else anymore, I do not ask for things that I can not replace, and I when I say I’m going to do something I do it out of true unconditional love and I do it. I no longer make promises to my kids that I can not keep. And because of this I have rebuild a relationship with my daughter out of pure trust. My word is solid and she appreciates the honesty of my word and that I can and do back my words up with actions. It’s an awesome feeling to bond this way with someone.
God is my strength, and it is he alone that can heal me, encourage me, and strengthen me on my path of recovery. My pastor says that Grace is Fear that said it’s prayers.. I love that, I give God all my fears and He gives me grace. Totally awesome.
I give God all the glory for all the miracles I have experienced for without HIM none of this transformation could be possible!
Praise God for He is transforming this grateful believer into the woman that He always wanted her to be.
God has blessed me in so many ways, he brings things to my mind, and my heart at such a perfect time. Our class reunion for one example. I understand my brothers reactions to my friends long ago and I apologize for the way he responded to you and or your inquires of me. At first, I thought it was mean of him, and as I look back at our relationship I find that it is I who owns him the apology. I have held on to such bitter resentments from back when we were in school together. I was bitter for doing his homework all those years ago, I was angry our mother was so proud of him the Jock and never once said anything good about my cheerleading, or my musical ability, I was jealous he had gotten a car for graduation and I didn’t get anything, I was envous he had a normal son and two normal daughters, I was angry he got the promotion to go into management trainee after 6 months of working for Safeway when I was suppose to get the promotion, after all I had been there 9 years already. All of these things planted its own little seed of bitterness in my heart and as the years progressed they grew into boulders of resentments. I had been blaming him all these years for things he had no control over, I know he has a hard time dealing with my son, and that’s okay I do not love him less. I also know he is embarrassed at his sister being a felon, and a drug addict. I do not love him less. As I type these words, I am humbly asking him for his forgiveness. I am letting my boulders go, and I’m dropping them to the bottom of the ocean where God can wash them out to sea. I wish to say one last thing, All of us have some type of addiction. It may not be as noticeable as drugs or alcohol, whatever the addiction is it doesn’t matter. Lay it down at the foot of the cross (admit there is a problem)
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My acceptance of God's help.
Gary’s Testimony
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I'm an alcoholic...Drank for 42yrs...Alcohol controlled me in every way possible...I came to a fork in the road, and I finally asked God for the strength to make the right decision...I haven't had a drink for3 1/2 yrs.
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Finding Jesus In London
Rachel’s Testimony
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I had to go to London to find Jesus. I signed up for a mission trip in 2000 to go to the muslim part of London to witness to people about the Lord. While there, I was working with a friend and we were just talking and he asked me a question that changed my life - he said "Do you include Jesus in the decisions you make?" I broke down into tears right there. My other friend gave me a hug and said "That's the Holy Spirit convicting you!" We had a ceremony that night for people who accepted Jesus into their lives and I told everybody what happened and accepted the Lord into my life that night. It was a life-changing experience and I've never looked back! I am now married to a wonderful Christian man and we have a beautiful little girl. I thank God for the many blessings in my life and I know that every good thing that we have comes from Him. :)
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Privilege of Serving My Savior
Marita’s Testimony
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I have been a Christian many years. God has blessed me with many different privileges to serve Him. Now he has allowed me to create a non profit Saboba's Hope, Inc. so I can raise money for the Saboba Medical Centre, in Saboba, Ghana. What a blessing to get to give money to a rural mission health care facility, whose mission is to testify to the gracious gift of Salvation.
Please check out the website: www.sabobashope.net, and keep me in prayer as I serve Him in this adventure.
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given a 2nd chance
lyna’s Testimony
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i was raised in church an was saved when i was 9 yrs old, did the things kids an teenagers do. got married an had my son at 21 then had my daughter at 23 , my marriage didnot work for 1 i forgot to put god first in my marriage,then thought i had found a guy that god put in my life which i now know it was the devil that had put him there,it didnt work either. i did things that i am not very proud of an im so thankful that god forgets them when we ask to be forgiven.
i got my second chance at life back on may of 2005,i was very sick ,i almost died ,i was on my back in icu for 2 months an had to go thru not knowing if i would live another day an also not knowin my family at times,then i was faced with open heart surgery durin this time which is what saved my life as well as god bein in control. after this i had to learn to walk all over again,i was asked in the hospital afterwards if i blamed god or was mad at god for doin this to me an my reply was " how can i be mad at my father for whippin me , now he is ,as all parents do takin care of me thru this now ."
i am so blest that god forgives an does give 2nd chances but its up to us if we take it or not. so as for me please remember me that i dont stray from his side again,so far i think im doin real good but only by gods grace.
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My Lord has carried me most of my life---from being molested from 4 to 16 years of age, to one failed marriage, to losing my 3mth 7day son and finally finding my way back to my Lord through His laborers. Life is Gooooooooood. After learning how to serve my Lord better, He blessed me by having someone give a nice amount of money to a local dress shop near my home. The church member who left the money chose to be unknown. I am very blessed to be a child of my Lord.
Dawn
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My Christian Life
Carol’s Testimony
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I attended church regularly, attended and participated in may church events as well as missions trips (Canada, Idaho, Pennsylvania, North Carolina) I was your tyical teenager with many temptations and I struggled a good bit. I even rededicated my life to Christ after a huge downfall in my life and still struggled. I found martial arts through my church and have been teaching and training ever since. The martial arts helped me out quite a bit but when I lost my best friend and fellow blackbelt to cancer, my life changed even more. I struggled day to day, year to year with many things but growing up in a a semi-christian household it helped.
I met and married my wife, Melanie who I met on Myspace, she lived in TN and I lived in VA. We did the long distance thing and we are now married living in Nashville, TN for 2 years now with a year and a half old boy, Tyler and one on the way. I teach martial arts classes in my church here in Nashville, TN. My wife and I are currently working together as Lifestyle Family Teachers for a mentally challenhed adult but currently are waiting for a potential person to fit our family.
My wife and I are Baptist's but do not label ourselves as that. We consider ourselves just Christians with a close, personal relationship with Jesus Christ...and that's all that matters.
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Then came a time when I wanted to stop getting high, but every fibre of my body would scream for the next drink, the next joint, the next crack rock.
I was addicted to not just the substances, but also a life style and a thought process with very few boundaries. The people I had hurt were collateral damage and nothing more. I did not care, and could not understand why others did. I was resigned to a wasted existence, and any admirable qualities were aberrational to my existence.
Thirty years later I gave my life to Christ and he fill the God size void that had develope at the core of my being. My life has changed so much that sometimes I don't recognize myself. I am still discovering the person I abandoned at fourteen years old. God stayed with me through all the muck and mire I wanted to plod through. Picked me up and dusted me off and watched with a heavy heart each time I went back to the darkness.
When He allowed me to come out, and I decided I had had enough He immediately said I love you still. Come and let me guide you through this life to life eternal.
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Re Dedication and Healing
Marcus’s Testimony
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I re-dedicated my life to the Lord December December 9th, 2009. Since that night, I have been over come with joy, healing, and a hunger for his word. I have many friends all over the country whom share testament and prayer. We are currently involved with the medical care for my wife's mother. She has metastaic breast Cancer, and is currently under going her third cycle of chemo treatment at Duke University Hospital Oncolgy Unit. This is her third battle in ten years, and the worst to date. The Cancer has spread into four regions of her body, causing her pain, restlessness, tiring rapidly, and a Spirit of Worship that would make anyone PROUD!
I have learned more from this woman in the last six weeks, than I have in my four years of our relationship. She is a believer, she will not give up on anything, has a heart of gold and is true testament of Faith in our Lord.
I love my Family, my church and our lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
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